Emily asked me a question the other day and it caught me by surprise. “Daddy, what would you do differently if you were able to do it again?” I am not typically a person who hopes to change the past. Instead, I try and focus on making amends and changing the future. I gave Emily a half-assed answer to the affect that although I often wish that things were different, there wasn’t anything that I could think of that I would have done differently. Emily, wanted to share her answer to the question and stated that she wished that she had spent more time with mummy and that she hadn’t fought with her so much. That she had been a better daughter. My heart caught in my throat.
One of the conversations that Kelly and I had on the morning of her passing had a similar theme. When the realization set in that the end was very near, Kelly told me that had she known that this would be the outcome, that she would have done things differently. At the time, it felt like the conversation was one that we might come back to. There wasn’t an opportunity to go into any great detail on the day. I think that Kelly was referring to her treatment plan but there might have been more. I have subsequently thought that given the chance again, that maybe we should have just taken some time off, to go and check-off the things on Kelly’s bucket list. To spend more quality time as a family for her benefit. That could have possibly been a better experience to that which we went through in her final months.
Emily and I had her conversation again a couple of days later. It was obviously something that has been weighing on her mind. It’s hard to re-assure a child that they don’t need to feel a certain way, that their mom loved them regardless. That they were the most precious thing in her world and that they don’t need to feel any guilt or regret. The best I could do was to re-assure Emily that she was entitled to her feelings and that she could always talk to me about them if she wished. That her mom loved her and wouldn’t want her to experience any angst in terms of their relationship. She seemed ok with that for the most part but I don’t think that it made her feelings go away. That might take a little time.
I would have liked to talk to Kelly again about what exactly it was that she meant, should she have been able to ‘do things differently.’ It is a question that I will never really know the answer to. I can try and guess at what she meant but it would all be theory. The lesson is that we have to think hard about our choices as we only get one opportunity. For now, I will do my best to help Emily not get too caught up in the regrets. To acknowledge them but rather concentrate on the positive memories and experiences. Hopefully that helps in the long run.