Month: July 2022

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Is there an upside to losing your partner?

One of my favourite podcasts is from Ryan Holiday who wrote the booked called “The obstacle is the way”. I refer to the book and the podcast often when contemplating my situation. A recent podcast episode really had me thinking. The premise of the podcast was that for every scenario, no matter how bad, there is always an upside. While listening to it, the thought popped into my head. Could there possibly be an upside to losing Kelly? It really made me think and I have spent a long time reflecting on the question.

One of the things that has changed in the last 6 months is my involvement in the kids activities. We were previously a typical family where one of the parents worked 9-5 and the other picked up the majority of responsibility for the kids. Since Kelly’s passing, I have had to be more involved in the kids activities, mostly due to circumstance, but also because I have felt that it is important for them to continue to have a parent there for them. Kelly and I wanted them to look back and remember us at the game, event, activity and between us we tried hard to cover the bases. Kelly definitely covered more of the bases than I did and we were ok with that. It was what was practical at the time.

Earlier this week I attended Emily’s first eisteddfod recital and what an experience that was. Emily knocked it out of the park and I was there to watch it. She was so proud of herself and I was so proud of her. She had taken on a challenge and come through with it with flying colours. It hit me later that here was an upside. Before Kelly’s passing, I would never have come to the eisteddfod and seen the recital first-hand. I would have left that for Kelly as per the norm. I would have heard about it later and been equally as proud, but not seen the emotion, felt the anxiety, heard the surprise at the result and experienced the moment. The upside is that I am forced to be more present in all areas of the kids lives. And it is great.

Reflecting on it further, an upside doesnt mean it is better. It means that there is some positive that can be gained from a situation if you choose to alter your perspective and recognise it. You would never want your situation to be what it is, but you can choose to see the positives that you currently have because of it. My conclusion? There can be an upside to losing your partner if you look hard enough. As difficult as it is to admit it.

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The best memorial I could have hoped for

I am somebody who keeps a promise and the kids and I have an understanding. If I make a “pinky promise” then it will be kept. The “pinky” handshake says that it will be so. It forces accountability and ensures that a deep level trust is fostered and fulfilled. I made a statement at Kelly’s memorial event that was an equivalent of an internal pinky promise and therefore it had to be kept.

Kelly loved to run. It was something that was part of her and to be accepted. We used to plan schedules around times that were available for her to get her run in. At her memorial I suggested that I would arrange a memorial run on her birthday for those who might like to come together in her honour and share in an activity she loved. The day came and the memorial event was more special than I could have hoped for.

What started as a plan for a group of us to go on a fun run together, turned into a walk with our family and friends around a dam. It was very informal but made special by the number of friends, families and pets that turned up. A thoughtful and creative friend brought ‘gifts’ that bonded us together. These were little plastic letter ‘K’s that we could tie to our shoes. The kids had a blast running around with their friends and I felt honoured to be able to show some gratitude by treating the gathering to a coffee and some breakfast after. On a more profound level, those of us who feel Kelly’s loss most deeply were uplifted by the turn out. It says so much for the quality of our friendship community and also Kelly herself.

“Pinkie promises” are sometimes hard to keep. They require effort and commitment. Sometimes you wish you hadn’t made them. I felt that way about the memorial walk in the lead up to it. I was unsure about how widely it would be received and whether it was a good idea at all. I worried that people would feel obligated to attend something that didn’t have the same meaning to them, as it did to me. Looking back I can see that the detail was irrelevant. What mattered was that I kept the promise and the rest would look after itself. It certainly did.

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What an earing can tell you about a man

I recently started wearing an earing again. Yes, I am now that middle aged man with an earing. It came about when Emily asked if she could put an earing through an old piercing which I doubted would still be open. Surprisingly, the hole was still open and we had a daddy and daughter laugh at the type of earings I would be wearing going forward. Two days later I received a pair of earings as a fathers day gift. I sense checked the option of not wearing it and could tell that Emily would have been crestfallen. The earing went in and I havent looked back.

It has been interesting watching peoples reactions when they notice it. Those who know me well will point it out and query about the how and why. Others notice it and I can see that they want to ask the question but dont feel it is their place. Some people don’t notice at all which says a lot in its own right. The majority of feedback as been positive which has made the continued use a little easier. What I dont share is that deep down there is another reason for its presence. It signifies that something in me has changed.

When you lose a life partner, the future is no longer what it once was. Shared plans, dreams, goals just disappear. The two, become one, and there is a need to re-evaluate whether things discussed are still relevant in the new context. In my case there has also been a shift in mindset and priorities. A different attitude is starting to take form and I can feel it gathering momentum. The earing is a physical manifestation of some this complexity. It is therefore a symbol and a statement. To others and to myself.

I dont know how long I will wear the earing. Perhaps it will no longer feel relevant at some stage in the future. Perhaps the symbolism or the statement will no longer feel necessary. For now it is something that binds Emily and I together in a daddy and daughter way that cannot be articulated. For that reason alone, I believe it is worth keeping for some time to come!

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The bookshelf

I have always enjoyed reading and Kelly did too. However, our choice in literature was always different. Where as I typically prefer non-fiction or fantasy, Kelly always enjoyed fiction in the ‘chick-lit’ genre. We would playfully tease each other about how boring the other persons book must be but often shared snippets or storylines with each other in daily conversation. The other person was always interested in the recount and we had many a great discussion on the back of a share.

We moved house in November 2021 and downsized the number of books retained while packing for the move. We kept the books that we held most dear and these now hold court in the one and only bookshelf in the house. I frequently find myself scanning the books and wondering what to do with those books that I would typically not read. I am not particularly sentimental and the thought of keeping something that isnt required, is not a thought that sits easily with me. I am very much of the “I’d rather have extra space and extra time than extra stuff” mentality. By way of example, I have shared much of Kelly’s wardrobe with those who may have wanted an item of her clothing. For them to wear or to remember her by, depending on their preference.

There is something about a book that is different and it makes me linger on a decision. A book in my mind isnt just ‘stuff’. A book holds a type of magic. It can take you away or surface an emotion. It can open your mind or touch a nerve. It is for that reason that I have hesitated on getting rid of the books and have been contemplating a different approach.

I think I am going to do this. Rather than remove the books, I am going to start reading them. I will make an attempt to read a couple and see where it takes me. I am telling myself that it will broaden my horizons and offer a new perspective. But if I am very honest, I am actually looking to probe an area that brought Kelly a lot of pleasure and also find some reminders of the conversations we shared about the books previously read. If nothing else, I will now have a valid reason to keep the books in my bookshelf. A place that Kelly’s favourite books deserve to be.

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Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

It’s a strange thing, buying or receiving gifts when somebody passes. I always thought this to be the case. Having been on the receiving end of everything from flowers, to wine, to photo frames (all of which were incredibly thoughtful and appreciated), there are two gifts received that keep on giving. Today’s post is about the one that I reflect on a nightly basis.

I am a bit of a wonderer and for a long time I have marveled at looking at the stars. It is one of my favourite things to do at night. I think it stems from my younger years where the family would go camping and the spread of the stars across the night sky was a talking point in the evening around the fire. My dad always had interesting titbits about the stars and I often refer back to his comment that “you know there are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on the earth”. I told the kids this the other day and I dont think that they believe me.

The gift I was given came from my work colleagues and was a complete surprise. The amazing people that I worked with had all contributed to a gift that essentially allowed me to name a star in the sky in Kelly’s honour. The registration is valid forever and the star will bear the name for eternity.

The star has now been named (we named it KellyBree, a name Kelly used frequently for it’s uniqueness) and the certificate received. Every evening when I catch the glimpse of the moon or the first stars, I find myself wondering where KellyBree is in the night sky. Sometimes I pull out the app and search for it to answer the question. The kids know it is there and we refer to it often. I like to think of it as safe space in the sky where Kelly’s memory resides. It was a wonderful gift and one that I am really glad to have received. I will use it for the rest of my life and dont doubt the kids will too.

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