Month: June 2022

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When another light goes out

I woke to the upsetting news that another light had gone out. And no, it wasn’t caused by Eskom’s load shedding. Dame Deborah James (@bowelbabe) passed away after a long battle against bowel cancer. For those of you who don’t know of Deborah and her journey, I would encourage you to take 5 minutes and find her on your favourite platform. You wont regret it. Deborah was an extraordinary source of inspiration, somebody who took a tragic situation and turned it into something incredible

I came across bowelbabe when listening to ‘You, me and the big C’, a podcast hosted by three warriors who talked all things cancer. The honesty and insight touched a chord and it wasnt long before I started following her on social media. I recommended the same to Kelly and she too found inspiration and kinship with Deborah during her own tough battle with her health issues. I suspect that Kelly may have messaged her on more than one occasion and I know that I did too. You cant help yourself when somebody is so open and honest about their vulnerability.

It’s been hard watching Deborah’s most recent posts. Her “rollercoaster of a ride was(is) coming to an end very soon”. Her photo’s in her last days reminded me so much of Kelly towards the end. Emily and I would look at them and reflect on how closely they resembled each other in terms of physical appearance. I found myself opening Instagram on a daily basis just to see whether today was the day. We all knew it was close.

I didnt know how I would react to the news. A deep sadness is the best that I can offer at this stage. It has hit me harder than I thought. I feel so very sad for Deborah, for Kelly and for everybody else who have lost amazing people to such a devastating disease. Life can be very cruel and its difficult to remain upbeat at the toughest of times. Both individuals were incredible in their own right, maybe they have met in heaven. RIP Dame Deborah James. Thank you for you.

Deborah James (@bowelbabe) • Instagram photos and videos

Home | Bowelbabe Fund

I am sure that there are many other inspirational warriors. Please post a comment if there is somebody else’s journey that is worth following.

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Conquering your dragon

Ethan brought a painting home from art the other day, and it blew me away. Initially I was like ‘Holy sh*t! Ethan has definitely got Kelly’s genes when it comes to art and drawing’. A couple of days later I looked at it again and I started wondering about the theme and reason for the story in the picture.

The piece is a picture of boy riding a dragon. He has his hands aloft and a smile on his face. The fierce looking dragon is soaring over a landscape with a sunset in the background. “What does this mean?” I thought. Is this a symbolic representation of Ethan’s recent struggles. Does the dragon represent the loss of his mom? Has he conquered the grief and is he riding this tumultuous beast into a beautiful future? I spent quite a bit of time looking at the detail and trying to interpret the meaning. The more I looked at it the more I believed the story I was telling myself.

Kelly would have reminded me about the power of art. She would have told me about the freedom of getting lost in the process and the beauty of submersing oneself in the detail. She would have talked about the reward for the artist and the observer. I would have probably laughed and made some playful comment about getting the same from crafting a great round together on the golf course. I wasn’t always tactful in these interactions…

Back to the Ethan’s painting. After coming to the conclusion that Ethan had liberated himself and conquered his metaphorical dragon, I felt inspired. If Ethan can do this; if he can conquer the darkness and come out smiling, then so can I! I too can ride into the sunset alongside him, soaring high on the back of my own demons! “YES”, I thought. This is progress, this is great.

Later that morning I got the opportunity to ask Ethan about the drawing in more detail. I was eagerly awaiting the interpretation to come forth from his own mouth. “Why did you draw yourself on the back of a dragon?” I asked. He looked at me quizzically, squinting slightly and turning his head to the one side. I could read his mind – “Is this a trick question”? he thought. I could feel the anticipation as he started to respond…The answer wasn’t what I was expecting to hear – “Mrs Jansen told us to draw a boy on the back of a dragon” he said. “That is great” I said, “I think it is brilliant!”. I walked away and reflected on how I had come to a very wrong conclusion.

I guess I am looking for answers and inspiration. I am looking for positive re-enforcement that everything is going to turn out for the best and that I am going to soar into the sunset. Sometimes I might need a reminder that things just are. Its neither this nor that. It just is. The dragons remain and might need a little time to conquer.

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Routine, routine, routine

There is no doubt that I have made some mistakes over the last 6 months. I knew it was going to happen and made a decision some time back to be gentle on myself about it. Unfortunately there is often a repercussion and in this case, the chickens are coming home to roost.

On fathers day, I decided to treat myself to a shave. A fancy shave from a Mediterranean barber. I bounced the idea of the kids and they were up for it. “Get your haircut daddy and get a shave”. Clearly my grooming needed some attention. The shave was a great experience and I am glad I did it. There was just one problem. Having shaved my own face for 28 (?) years, its become accustomed to a specific style and technique. Namely mine. The barber used a completely different technique and my face didnt approve. Two days later I sit with some skin irritation, razor burn and general discomfort. No biggie, but enough to make me realise that I need to revert to the familiar routine and shave myself going forward.

The relevance of this little anecdote is that a similar lesson has been realised in my actions over the last 6 months. Let me explain. Kelly was a great believer in routine. For the kids and I guess with her own life too. There are many examples and I wont bore you with the details. I was on-board with this and saw the benefits. Over the last 6 months I have changed a familiar routine for the kids. Not at a micro-level (daily task/activities) but at a macro-level (i.e. the extent that the kids are involved in my social activities). Before, they were home with Kelly while I was out with friends, now, they have been out with me*.

This change in the kids routine had a similar impact to the trip to the barber. It was enjoyable and seemed like a good idea at the time but it has had an impact on the kids in terms of anxiety and general well-being. I made a mistake. Once again, I hear Kelly’s voice loud and clear – “What did you think was going to happen?”. I can only shake my head and mutter some half hearted explanation under my breath. The reality of the situation today is that it is now up to me to fix it. It is not a train smash but some iteration is needed to get the train back on track. That means a change in the routine that caused the issue and being more mindful of potential long term impact of decisions being made.

The face will take some time to recover and I like to think that I am intervening early enough to help the kids. I dont believe that there is any scarring or lasting damage done. On the face or on the kids. Only time will tell.

*Note that this does not mean that I take them out partying etc. It is a lot more nuanced than that.

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We are doing ok. Or are we?

I get asked the question a lot, and I can understand why? “How are you and the kids doing Mathew?” My standard response is that we are doing well, all things considered. And it is true, we are doing well for a family who lost somebody from its nucleus. We go to school and work, we play sports and attend art classes, we interact with friends and we carry on with life. People comment on how we are keeping it together and how we are “so strong”. The answer and the observation are both mostly true. However there are some intricacies that may not be visible or I would rather leave out of the everyday conversation.

For example, dealing with the grief and our changed circumstance has changed the kids. My son, who is generally care free and confident, is currently dealing with some separation anxieties that were previously not an issue. This changes things for me, an only (living) parent who needs to make changes to help him deal with the fears and emotions. My daughter is forced to stretch herself to find resources to assist her with scenarios that her mom might have picked up. There is no doubt that the loss of their mother will play out in some shape and form over the next couple of years – or possibly lifetime.

Similarly, my life has a different look and feel to it. I realise how much more ‘freedom’ (read ‘free time’) I had when I had a partner to assist with living a life. Yesterday, my life was all about work, playing sports, seeing friends, planning adventures and holidays. Today it seems like it is all about packing school bags, planning after school schedules and children’s play dates. I have had to change my mindset and priorities. For the most part I feel like I have managed to do this fairly well but realise that things need to normalise in the other direction over time and believe they will.

So when I get asked the question, I often hesitate. I have to take a step back and adopt a birds eye view, I have to believe that after all things are considered, we are doing well. Yes, we are dealing with the grief and miss Kelly terribly but we are going to come through this together. There are challenges and roadblocks but we will get through them and press forward as a family. That is what Kelly would have wanted and I plan to deliver. We will be ok.

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You always remember your first post

So this is it, the first post. I sit here on a cold wet Wednesday morning at 5:35am. I am trying to revisit an ‘atomic habit’ of waking early, before the kids school run begins, to start something that has been in the consideration bucket for a long, long time. At this stage, it isnt clear where this blogging journey could take me. I have kept the plan vague so as to not be too prescriptive.

Kelly would have been bemused but supportive. She was used to me starting these things that others may not have. Going back to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in my 40’s, waking at 4am to get some work done, joining the neighbourhood watch. Kelly was what I would define as a ‘straight up’ individual. She had simple pleasures – a love of the quieter, less rushed things in life. Painting, reading a book, taking a drive with the family, going for a run. She didnt need to be pushing herself to accomplish new things. Loving her kids and enjoying the day to day was enough. Since her passing I have come to realise that in many ways, these things can be enough. When everything else is stripped away, what do we really need to be content? Not very much when the truth is told.

When the chips are down and life’s purposes begins to be considered, I am finding that it is these simple things that we often crave. The sounds of somebody’s voice for example. Having not had a conversation with Kelly in 6 months, I find myself yearning some time together to just talk. A simple thing but one of the things I miss most.

So what is the take away here as my first post comes to conclusion? I think it might be that I must push to accomplish my goals and try new things… but also remember to stop and smell the roses. Certainly to cherish the simple things in life, the things about our loved ones that we often take for granted.

Kelly would have laughed if I said that to her now. Luckily I can still remember her voice. It would be saying – “Mathew it is too early for your philosophy. Go and get the kids up and get them ready for school”. Yes Kelly, I am on it.