I get asked the question a lot, and I can understand why? “How are you and the kids doing Mathew?” My standard response is that we are doing well, all things considered. And it is true, we are doing well for a family who lost somebody from its nucleus. We go to school and work, we play sports and attend art classes, we interact with friends and we carry on with life. People comment on how we are keeping it together and how we are “so strong”. The answer and the observation are both mostly true. However there are some intricacies that may not be visible or I would rather leave out of the everyday conversation.
For example, dealing with the grief and our changed circumstance has changed the kids. My son, who is generally care free and confident, is currently dealing with some separation anxieties that were previously not an issue. This changes things for me, an only (living) parent who needs to make changes to help him deal with the fears and emotions. My daughter is forced to stretch herself to find resources to assist her with scenarios that her mom might have picked up. There is no doubt that the loss of their mother will play out in some shape and form over the next couple of years – or possibly lifetime.
Similarly, my life has a different look and feel to it. I realise how much more ‘freedom’ (read ‘free time’) I had when I had a partner to assist with living a life. Yesterday, my life was all about work, playing sports, seeing friends, planning adventures and holidays. Today it seems like it is all about packing school bags, planning after school schedules and children’s play dates. I have had to change my mindset and priorities. For the most part I feel like I have managed to do this fairly well but realise that things need to normalise in the other direction over time and believe they will.
So when I get asked the question, I often hesitate. I have to take a step back and adopt a birds eye view, I have to believe that after all things are considered, we are doing well. Yes, we are dealing with the grief and miss Kelly terribly but we are going to come through this together. There are challenges and roadblocks but we will get through them and press forward as a family. That is what Kelly would have wanted and I plan to deliver. We will be ok.