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An open invitation to those in a similar position

It has been a while since I blogged and I have been meaning to get back into it. I now have a reason to do so. In 2022, 6 months after Kelly passed away, I was invited to be a participant in a PhD research study into the fathering experience of South African widowed fathers, who parent and raise their children. This enabled me to meet the nicest of person, a lady by the name of Elna Sutherland who was in the process of obtaining a doctoral degree in Psychology.

Elna asked to meet with me and I was invited to answer several questions that would contributed towards her research. Questions such as “what was your relationship like with each of your children before the passing of their mother? What is your relationship like now?”. “What are the challenges for you as a father? What do you find the most difficult about being a single parent?”. The conversation was thought provoking and I shared as willingly and as honestly as I could.

Elna was incredibly empathetic and had a real passion for the subject. She spoke about the good that she hoped that would come from the research. Ultimately there being more appreciation for the unique challenges of a widowed father. Perhaps there even being more forms of support for those in need. We have stayed in contact and she has kept me up to date on the research. I hope to read the final paper and take note of its observation. Elna has now been invited to present her research at the International Congress for Psychologist in Prague. This is a chance to share the topic and preliminary findings on an international level. I am sure that it will be extremely insightful and well received.

The primary reason for this was post was to say that Elna is also looking for further contributors to the study. If you are one of those fathers who would like to share your story and assist her research, please reach out to her on elna@sutherlandqs.co.za. You are also welcome to contact me and I will put you in touch. The Stoics talk about “acts for the common good”. This might be your opportunity to do so.

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Understanding the complexity of 50/50

Ethan and I had a conversation in the car home from parkour. I forget what triggered the discussion, but we started talking about how he felt about the day that mummy died. As he has got older and his vocabulary has grown, it has been fascinating to get a deeper insight into his emotions and views on the topic. In this case, he explained that he was ’50/50′ in terms of it being a sad day and a happy day. “Happy?” I thought. That is an interesting emotion to refer to under the circumstance. I had to probe a little further.

“It was a sad day because it was the day Mummy died!”. The look on Ethan’s face showed that this should have been obvious. “Yes, of course” I said, “but why were you happy?”. “Well,” he started, “because after that I met Ada*”. (Ada is the children’s au pair, and a person that has come to be of great assistance to the children and myself). “That makes perfect sense” I responded. “You probably wouldn’t have met Ada if mummy hadn’t passed away”. The discussion moved on and we continued the drive home.

Thinking about it later, I reflected that Ethan’s explanation was less about the day that mummy died, and more about his outlook on the scenario as a whole. To say it differently, it was a very sad life event, but Ethan does recognise some positives that have come from it. It is re-assuring to know this as it speaks to resilience. And resilience is a critical requirement for a longer-term healthy outcome. It is also good know that he likes the au pair…thankfully we made the right decision on that front too.

One year later and life has moved on. That thought alone makes me very sad when I think too hard on it. I keep reminding myself that we have to keep pressing forward. We have to choose to see the 50% that offers positivity and happiness. It helps me to think that we are not leaving Kelly behind. It is that we are bringing her with us in a different capacity. I think that the Kelly would have appreciated that.

*Ada is not the au pairs real name.

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Today is not a normal Saturday

Kelly Bree

Today is not a normal Saturday
The reason being that you are gone
No longer around us, nor a part of us
Oh, how we miss how brightly your light had shone

Today is an anniversary for our family
The day that was chosen for you to pass
We will remember you and treasure it
although our happiness on this day will be sparce

We wish we could wrap our arms around you
To hug, and kiss and laugh!
Instead, we will settle for loving you
and do our best to stand fast

Your light continues to shine around us
From up there among the stars
It will guide and direct us forwards
as we heal and sooth our scars

(we love and miss you Kelly Bree)

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Is there an upside to losing your partner?

One of my favourite podcasts is from Ryan Holiday who wrote the booked called “The obstacle is the way”. I refer to the book and the podcast often when contemplating my situation. A recent podcast episode really had me thinking. The premise of the podcast was that for every scenario, no matter how bad, there is always an upside. While listening to it, the thought popped into my head. Could there possibly be an upside to losing Kelly? It really made me think and I have spent a long time reflecting on the question.

One of the things that has changed in the last 6 months is my involvement in the kids activities. We were previously a typical family where one of the parents worked 9-5 and the other picked up the majority of responsibility for the kids. Since Kelly’s passing, I have had to be more involved in the kids activities, mostly due to circumstance, but also because I have felt that it is important for them to continue to have a parent there for them. Kelly and I wanted them to look back and remember us at the game, event, activity and between us we tried hard to cover the bases. Kelly definitely covered more of the bases than I did and we were ok with that. It was what was practical at the time.

Earlier this week I attended Emily’s first eisteddfod recital and what an experience that was. Emily knocked it out of the park and I was there to watch it. She was so proud of herself and I was so proud of her. She had taken on a challenge and come through with it with flying colours. It hit me later that here was an upside. Before Kelly’s passing, I would never have come to the eisteddfod and seen the recital first-hand. I would have left that for Kelly as per the norm. I would have heard about it later and been equally as proud, but not seen the emotion, felt the anxiety, heard the surprise at the result and experienced the moment. The upside is that I am forced to be more present in all areas of the kids lives. And it is great.

Reflecting on it further, an upside doesnt mean it is better. It means that there is some positive that can be gained from a situation if you choose to alter your perspective and recognise it. You would never want your situation to be what it is, but you can choose to see the positives that you currently have because of it. My conclusion? There can be an upside to losing your partner if you look hard enough. As difficult as it is to admit it.

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The best memorial I could have hoped for

I am somebody who keeps a promise and the kids and I have an understanding. If I make a “pinky promise” then it will be kept. The “pinky” handshake says that it will be so. It forces accountability and ensures that a deep level trust is fostered and fulfilled. I made a statement at Kelly’s memorial event that was an equivalent of an internal pinky promise and therefore it had to be kept.

Kelly loved to run. It was something that was part of her and to be accepted. We used to plan schedules around times that were available for her to get her run in. At her memorial I suggested that I would arrange a memorial run on her birthday for those who might like to come together in her honour and share in an activity she loved. The day came and the memorial event was more special than I could have hoped for.

What started as a plan for a group of us to go on a fun run together, turned into a walk with our family and friends around a dam. It was very informal but made special by the number of friends, families and pets that turned up. A thoughtful and creative friend brought ‘gifts’ that bonded us together. These were little plastic letter ‘K’s that we could tie to our shoes. The kids had a blast running around with their friends and I felt honoured to be able to show some gratitude by treating the gathering to a coffee and some breakfast after. On a more profound level, those of us who feel Kelly’s loss most deeply were uplifted by the turn out. It says so much for the quality of our friendship community and also Kelly herself.

“Pinkie promises” are sometimes hard to keep. They require effort and commitment. Sometimes you wish you hadn’t made them. I felt that way about the memorial walk in the lead up to it. I was unsure about how widely it would be received and whether it was a good idea at all. I worried that people would feel obligated to attend something that didn’t have the same meaning to them, as it did to me. Looking back I can see that the detail was irrelevant. What mattered was that I kept the promise and the rest would look after itself. It certainly did.

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Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

It’s a strange thing, buying or receiving gifts when somebody passes. I always thought this to be the case. Having been on the receiving end of everything from flowers, to wine, to photo frames (all of which were incredibly thoughtful and appreciated), there are two gifts received that keep on giving. Today’s post is about the one that I reflect on a nightly basis.

I am a bit of a wonderer and for a long time I have marveled at looking at the stars. It is one of my favourite things to do at night. I think it stems from my younger years where the family would go camping and the spread of the stars across the night sky was a talking point in the evening around the fire. My dad always had interesting titbits about the stars and I often refer back to his comment that “you know there are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on the earth”. I told the kids this the other day and I dont think that they believe me.

The gift I was given came from my work colleagues and was a complete surprise. The amazing people that I worked with had all contributed to a gift that essentially allowed me to name a star in the sky in Kelly’s honour. The registration is valid forever and the star will bear the name for eternity.

The star has now been named (we named it KellyBree, a name Kelly used frequently for it’s uniqueness) and the certificate received. Every evening when I catch the glimpse of the moon or the first stars, I find myself wondering where KellyBree is in the night sky. Sometimes I pull out the app and search for it to answer the question. The kids know it is there and we refer to it often. I like to think of it as safe space in the sky where Kelly’s memory resides. It was a wonderful gift and one that I am really glad to have received. I will use it for the rest of my life and dont doubt the kids will too.

StarRegistration.Com

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When another light goes out

I woke to the upsetting news that another light had gone out. And no, it wasn’t caused by Eskom’s load shedding. Dame Deborah James (@bowelbabe) passed away after a long battle against bowel cancer. For those of you who don’t know of Deborah and her journey, I would encourage you to take 5 minutes and find her on your favourite platform. You wont regret it. Deborah was an extraordinary source of inspiration, somebody who took a tragic situation and turned it into something incredible

I came across bowelbabe when listening to ‘You, me and the big C’, a podcast hosted by three warriors who talked all things cancer. The honesty and insight touched a chord and it wasnt long before I started following her on social media. I recommended the same to Kelly and she too found inspiration and kinship with Deborah during her own tough battle with her health issues. I suspect that Kelly may have messaged her on more than one occasion and I know that I did too. You cant help yourself when somebody is so open and honest about their vulnerability.

It’s been hard watching Deborah’s most recent posts. Her “rollercoaster of a ride was(is) coming to an end very soon”. Her photo’s in her last days reminded me so much of Kelly towards the end. Emily and I would look at them and reflect on how closely they resembled each other in terms of physical appearance. I found myself opening Instagram on a daily basis just to see whether today was the day. We all knew it was close.

I didnt know how I would react to the news. A deep sadness is the best that I can offer at this stage. It has hit me harder than I thought. I feel so very sad for Deborah, for Kelly and for everybody else who have lost amazing people to such a devastating disease. Life can be very cruel and its difficult to remain upbeat at the toughest of times. Both individuals were incredible in their own right, maybe they have met in heaven. RIP Dame Deborah James. Thank you for you.

Deborah James (@bowelbabe) • Instagram photos and videos

Home | Bowelbabe Fund

I am sure that there are many other inspirational warriors. Please post a comment if there is somebody else’s journey that is worth following.

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We are doing ok. Or are we?

I get asked the question a lot, and I can understand why? “How are you and the kids doing Mathew?” My standard response is that we are doing well, all things considered. And it is true, we are doing well for a family who lost somebody from its nucleus. We go to school and work, we play sports and attend art classes, we interact with friends and we carry on with life. People comment on how we are keeping it together and how we are “so strong”. The answer and the observation are both mostly true. However there are some intricacies that may not be visible or I would rather leave out of the everyday conversation.

For example, dealing with the grief and our changed circumstance has changed the kids. My son, who is generally care free and confident, is currently dealing with some separation anxieties that were previously not an issue. This changes things for me, an only (living) parent who needs to make changes to help him deal with the fears and emotions. My daughter is forced to stretch herself to find resources to assist her with scenarios that her mom might have picked up. There is no doubt that the loss of their mother will play out in some shape and form over the next couple of years – or possibly lifetime.

Similarly, my life has a different look and feel to it. I realise how much more ‘freedom’ (read ‘free time’) I had when I had a partner to assist with living a life. Yesterday, my life was all about work, playing sports, seeing friends, planning adventures and holidays. Today it seems like it is all about packing school bags, planning after school schedules and children’s play dates. I have had to change my mindset and priorities. For the most part I feel like I have managed to do this fairly well but realise that things need to normalise in the other direction over time and believe they will.

So when I get asked the question, I often hesitate. I have to take a step back and adopt a birds eye view, I have to believe that after all things are considered, we are doing well. Yes, we are dealing with the grief and miss Kelly terribly but we are going to come through this together. There are challenges and roadblocks but we will get through them and press forward as a family. That is what Kelly would have wanted and I plan to deliver. We will be ok.