Tag: widowed

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An open invitation to those in a similar position

It has been a while since I blogged and I have been meaning to get back into it. I now have a reason to do so. In 2022, 6 months after Kelly passed away, I was invited to be a participant in a PhD research study into the fathering experience of South African widowed fathers, who parent and raise their children. This enabled me to meet the nicest of person, a lady by the name of Elna Sutherland who was in the process of obtaining a doctoral degree in Psychology.

Elna asked to meet with me and I was invited to answer several questions that would contributed towards her research. Questions such as “what was your relationship like with each of your children before the passing of their mother? What is your relationship like now?”. “What are the challenges for you as a father? What do you find the most difficult about being a single parent?”. The conversation was thought provoking and I shared as willingly and as honestly as I could.

Elna was incredibly empathetic and had a real passion for the subject. She spoke about the good that she hoped that would come from the research. Ultimately there being more appreciation for the unique challenges of a widowed father. Perhaps there even being more forms of support for those in need. We have stayed in contact and she has kept me up to date on the research. I hope to read the final paper and take note of its observation. Elna has now been invited to present her research at the International Congress for Psychologist in Prague. This is a chance to share the topic and preliminary findings on an international level. I am sure that it will be extremely insightful and well received.

The primary reason for this was post was to say that Elna is also looking for further contributors to the study. If you are one of those fathers who would like to share your story and assist her research, please reach out to her on elna@sutherlandqs.co.za. You are also welcome to contact me and I will put you in touch. The Stoics talk about “acts for the common good”. This might be your opportunity to do so.

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Living with regret isn’t easy

Emily asked me a question the other day and it caught me by surprise. “Daddy, what would you do differently if you were able to do it again?” I am not typically a person who hopes to change the past. Instead, I try and focus on making amends and changing the future. I gave Emily a half-assed answer to the affect that although I often wish that things were different, there wasn’t anything that I could think of that I would have done differently. Emily, wanted to share her answer to the question and stated that she wished that she had spent more time with mummy and that she hadn’t fought with her so much. That she had been a better daughter. My heart caught in my throat.

One of the conversations that Kelly and I had on the morning of her passing had a similar theme. When the realization set in that the end was very near, Kelly told me that had she known that this would be the outcome, that she would have done things differently. At the time, it felt like the conversation was one that we might come back to. There wasn’t an opportunity to go into any great detail on the day. I think that Kelly was referring to her treatment plan but there might have been more. I have subsequently thought that given the chance again, that maybe we should have just taken some time off, to go and check-off the things on Kelly’s bucket list. To spend more quality time as a family for her benefit. That could have possibly been a better experience to that which we went through in her final months.

Emily and I had her conversation again a couple of days later. It was obviously something that has been weighing on her mind. It’s hard to re-assure a child that they don’t need to feel a certain way, that their mom loved them regardless. That they were the most precious thing in her world and that they don’t need to feel any guilt or regret. The best I could do was to re-assure Emily that she was entitled to her feelings and that she could always talk to me about them if she wished. That her mom loved her and wouldn’t want her to experience any angst in terms of their relationship. She seemed ok with that for the most part but I don’t think that it made her feelings go away. That might take a little time.

I would have liked to talk to Kelly again about what exactly it was that she meant, should she have been able to ‘do things differently.’ It is a question that I will never really know the answer to. I can try and guess at what she meant but it would all be theory. The lesson is that we have to think hard about our choices as we only get one opportunity. For now, I will do my best to help Emily not get too caught up in the regrets. To acknowledge them but rather concentrate on the positive memories and experiences. Hopefully that helps in the long run.