To state the obvious, this has been a more difficult year than most. Not only have we had to deal with Kelly’s passing but there have been additional stressful events. Restructures at work with my position being made redundant, heart issues requiring ECGs, MRIs and beta-blockers, a leaking roof and then most recently, my mother-in-law (who is dependent on me now) being diagnosed with her own serious health issue which will require longer term care.
In some ways it has felt that the emotional challenges have been stacked on top of each other. One after another after another after another. This on top of having to deal with the stress of work and everyday life. Retrospectively, I like to think that I have dealt with each one relatively well and have come through the other side largely un-scathed thus far. However, there is no doubt that there is one emotion that has become more prominent in the last couple of months as a result. It is an emotion that I am typically not that familiar with as it previously didnt fit my nature nor my character. The said emotion is anger.
It isnt a rage and it isnt volatile. It isn’t directed at anyone and isn’t specific. However when it comes, it is this underlying, deeply ingrained, all consuming anger that has changed me on occasion. It lasts a couple of days, during which time I am less patient, less controlled, less compromising and more easily triggered. It isn’t easy to admit and it isnt something I will try and excuse. It results in a deviation from the norm and guilt. Guilt for irritability, for being less than perfect and for getting the priorities wrong.
I deal with it by acknowledging and accepting. Recognizing it for what it is and remembering that it will eventually wither away. Thankfully I have a strong inner voice, have some routines to reduce the tension and some mindfulness practices to recalibrate the ego and the emotions. Every little bit helps. The ‘episodes’ have become less frequent and are less intense but I dont think that they are gone for good. There is still a little ways to go just yet.
I hesitated to write this blog post because it isnt a nice thing to admit and it could be perceived as a sign of weakness. I worry that people will say something like – “You see, Mathew should be getting some therapy”. They may be right. But I wanted to admit to the emotion because I wanted to make the point that it is actually OK. It is ‘ok’ to be angry or sad or lost or mad. One is entitled to it. We just cant stay in the space for too long and must do all we can to not let it impact on others. We must come back to the norm and get a little better each day. Thats what I am trying to do. In the end I wrote this blog to help myself and help others. It is difficult to remain angry when ones intention is good. That makes the post worthwhile.