The 11th of the 11th is singles day. A Chinese unofficial holiday and shopping season that celebrates people who are not in relationship. It isn’t something I would typically remember but a colleague posted a reminder on our work group which lead to a reaction. That reaction being for me to reply that it feels strange to recognise myself as being ‘single’, but I would celebrate it anyway. This led to a bit of dialogue as my reaction caused some guilt in the person who shared the post. To be honest, I missed the point of the post and made something personal. Retrospectively, this was actually selfish on my behalf.
I mention this as it is directly related to the most recent conundrum in my journey. That being the definition of my current status. Am I widowed or single or both? If I am ‘alone’, how long should one wait to meet new people? Can you still grieve somebody and be in a relationship with somebody else? When is too soon and what will other people think? As you can see, there have been lots of questions with one leading to another to another. It is also part of the reason for not blogging for a while. I haven’t really wanted to make that thought process public.
One of my ‘go-to’s’ is to try and go back to the basics. Or to revert to the process. In this case, I go back to the conversations that were had with Kelly during our last days together. Thankfully we had a relationship built on communication and this allowed us to talk about future outcomes or scenarios. Kelly had a view on the matter and took any subjectively out of the equation when discussed. “Mathew, I know that you are going to meet somebody one day. Just make sure that they are the right person for the kids.” That was it. Just a simple statement that bore no judgement and no guilt. I didn’t see the need to argue at the time. Kelly new me best.
This relationship conundrum is a natural occurrence in those who have lost loved ones. It is probably one of the most covered topics on the grief blogs that I have come across. Like everything in life, different people have different views and different approaches to this stage of their journey. In my case, what I have come to realize is that the definition and timing is actually irrelevant. It is not something to be too caught up on. The most important thing was made clear – make sure that the kids are at the forefront of any decision made. That won’t be forgotten.