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Is there an upside to losing your partner?

One of my favourite podcasts is from Ryan Holiday who wrote the booked called “The obstacle is the way”. I refer to the book and the podcast often when contemplating my situation. A recent podcast episode really had me thinking. The premise of the podcast was that for every scenario, no matter how bad, there is always an upside. While listening to it, the thought popped into my head. Could there possibly be an upside to losing Kelly? It really made me think and I have spent a long time reflecting on the question.

One of the things that has changed in the last 6 months is my involvement in the kids activities. We were previously a typical family where one of the parents worked 9-5 and the other picked up the majority of responsibility for the kids. Since Kelly’s passing, I have had to be more involved in the kids activities, mostly due to circumstance, but also because I have felt that it is important for them to continue to have a parent there for them. Kelly and I wanted them to look back and remember us at the game, event, activity and between us we tried hard to cover the bases. Kelly definitely covered more of the bases than I did and we were ok with that. It was what was practical at the time.

Earlier this week I attended Emily’s first eisteddfod recital and what an experience that was. Emily knocked it out of the park and I was there to watch it. She was so proud of herself and I was so proud of her. She had taken on a challenge and come through with it with flying colours. It hit me later that here was an upside. Before Kelly’s passing, I would never have come to the eisteddfod and seen the recital first-hand. I would have left that for Kelly as per the norm. I would have heard about it later and been equally as proud, but not seen the emotion, felt the anxiety, heard the surprise at the result and experienced the moment. The upside is that I am forced to be more present in all areas of the kids lives. And it is great.

Reflecting on it further, an upside doesnt mean it is better. It means that there is some positive that can be gained from a situation if you choose to alter your perspective and recognise it. You would never want your situation to be what it is, but you can choose to see the positives that you currently have because of it. My conclusion? There can be an upside to losing your partner if you look hard enough. As difficult as it is to admit it.

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The best memorial I could have hoped for

I am somebody who keeps a promise and the kids and I have an understanding. If I make a “pinky promise” then it will be kept. The “pinky” handshake says that it will be so. It forces accountability and ensures that a deep level trust is fostered and fulfilled. I made a statement at Kelly’s memorial event that was an equivalent of an internal pinky promise and therefore it had to be kept.

Kelly loved to run. It was something that was part of her and to be accepted. We used to plan schedules around times that were available for her to get her run in. At her memorial I suggested that I would arrange a memorial run on her birthday for those who might like to come together in her honour and share in an activity she loved. The day came and the memorial event was more special than I could have hoped for.

What started as a plan for a group of us to go on a fun run together, turned into a walk with our family and friends around a dam. It was very informal but made special by the number of friends, families and pets that turned up. A thoughtful and creative friend brought ‘gifts’ that bonded us together. These were little plastic letter ‘K’s that we could tie to our shoes. The kids had a blast running around with their friends and I felt honoured to be able to show some gratitude by treating the gathering to a coffee and some breakfast after. On a more profound level, those of us who feel Kelly’s loss most deeply were uplifted by the turn out. It says so much for the quality of our friendship community and also Kelly herself.

“Pinkie promises” are sometimes hard to keep. They require effort and commitment. Sometimes you wish you hadn’t made them. I felt that way about the memorial walk in the lead up to it. I was unsure about how widely it would be received and whether it was a good idea at all. I worried that people would feel obligated to attend something that didn’t have the same meaning to them, as it did to me. Looking back I can see that the detail was irrelevant. What mattered was that I kept the promise and the rest would look after itself. It certainly did.

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What an earing can tell you about a man

I recently started wearing an earing again. Yes, I am now that middle aged man with an earing. It came about when Emily asked if she could put an earing through an old piercing which I doubted would still be open. Surprisingly, the hole was still open and we had a daddy and daughter laugh at the type of earings I would be wearing going forward. Two days later I received a pair of earings as a fathers day gift. I sense checked the option of not wearing it and could tell that Emily would have been crestfallen. The earing went in and I havent looked back.

It has been interesting watching peoples reactions when they notice it. Those who know me well will point it out and query about the how and why. Others notice it and I can see that they want to ask the question but dont feel it is their place. Some people don’t notice at all which says a lot in its own right. The majority of feedback as been positive which has made the continued use a little easier. What I dont share is that deep down there is another reason for its presence. It signifies that something in me has changed.

When you lose a life partner, the future is no longer what it once was. Shared plans, dreams, goals just disappear. The two, become one, and there is a need to re-evaluate whether things discussed are still relevant in the new context. In my case there has also been a shift in mindset and priorities. A different attitude is starting to take form and I can feel it gathering momentum. The earing is a physical manifestation of some this complexity. It is therefore a symbol and a statement. To others and to myself.

I dont know how long I will wear the earing. Perhaps it will no longer feel relevant at some stage in the future. Perhaps the symbolism or the statement will no longer feel necessary. For now it is something that binds Emily and I together in a daddy and daughter way that cannot be articulated. For that reason alone, I believe it is worth keeping for some time to come!

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The bookshelf

I have always enjoyed reading and Kelly did too. However, our choice in literature was always different. Where as I typically prefer non-fiction or fantasy, Kelly always enjoyed fiction in the ‘chick-lit’ genre. We would playfully tease each other about how boring the other persons book must be but often shared snippets or storylines with each other in daily conversation. The other person was always interested in the recount and we had many a great discussion on the back of a share.

We moved house in November 2021 and downsized the number of books retained while packing for the move. We kept the books that we held most dear and these now hold court in the one and only bookshelf in the house. I frequently find myself scanning the books and wondering what to do with those books that I would typically not read. I am not particularly sentimental and the thought of keeping something that isnt required, is not a thought that sits easily with me. I am very much of the “I’d rather have extra space and extra time than extra stuff” mentality. By way of example, I have shared much of Kelly’s wardrobe with those who may have wanted an item of her clothing. For them to wear or to remember her by, depending on their preference.

There is something about a book that is different and it makes me linger on a decision. A book in my mind isnt just ‘stuff’. A book holds a type of magic. It can take you away or surface an emotion. It can open your mind or touch a nerve. It is for that reason that I have hesitated on getting rid of the books and have been contemplating a different approach.

I think I am going to do this. Rather than remove the books, I am going to start reading them. I will make an attempt to read a couple and see where it takes me. I am telling myself that it will broaden my horizons and offer a new perspective. But if I am very honest, I am actually looking to probe an area that brought Kelly a lot of pleasure and also find some reminders of the conversations we shared about the books previously read. If nothing else, I will now have a valid reason to keep the books in my bookshelf. A place that Kelly’s favourite books deserve to be.

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Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

It’s a strange thing, buying or receiving gifts when somebody passes. I always thought this to be the case. Having been on the receiving end of everything from flowers, to wine, to photo frames (all of which were incredibly thoughtful and appreciated), there are two gifts received that keep on giving. Today’s post is about the one that I reflect on a nightly basis.

I am a bit of a wonderer and for a long time I have marveled at looking at the stars. It is one of my favourite things to do at night. I think it stems from my younger years where the family would go camping and the spread of the stars across the night sky was a talking point in the evening around the fire. My dad always had interesting titbits about the stars and I often refer back to his comment that “you know there are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on the earth”. I told the kids this the other day and I dont think that they believe me.

The gift I was given came from my work colleagues and was a complete surprise. The amazing people that I worked with had all contributed to a gift that essentially allowed me to name a star in the sky in Kelly’s honour. The registration is valid forever and the star will bear the name for eternity.

The star has now been named (we named it KellyBree, a name Kelly used frequently for it’s uniqueness) and the certificate received. Every evening when I catch the glimpse of the moon or the first stars, I find myself wondering where KellyBree is in the night sky. Sometimes I pull out the app and search for it to answer the question. The kids know it is there and we refer to it often. I like to think of it as safe space in the sky where Kelly’s memory resides. It was a wonderful gift and one that I am really glad to have received. I will use it for the rest of my life and dont doubt the kids will too.

StarRegistration.Com

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When another light goes out

I woke to the upsetting news that another light had gone out. And no, it wasn’t caused by Eskom’s load shedding. Dame Deborah James (@bowelbabe) passed away after a long battle against bowel cancer. For those of you who don’t know of Deborah and her journey, I would encourage you to take 5 minutes and find her on your favourite platform. You wont regret it. Deborah was an extraordinary source of inspiration, somebody who took a tragic situation and turned it into something incredible

I came across bowelbabe when listening to ‘You, me and the big C’, a podcast hosted by three warriors who talked all things cancer. The honesty and insight touched a chord and it wasnt long before I started following her on social media. I recommended the same to Kelly and she too found inspiration and kinship with Deborah during her own tough battle with her health issues. I suspect that Kelly may have messaged her on more than one occasion and I know that I did too. You cant help yourself when somebody is so open and honest about their vulnerability.

It’s been hard watching Deborah’s most recent posts. Her “rollercoaster of a ride was(is) coming to an end very soon”. Her photo’s in her last days reminded me so much of Kelly towards the end. Emily and I would look at them and reflect on how closely they resembled each other in terms of physical appearance. I found myself opening Instagram on a daily basis just to see whether today was the day. We all knew it was close.

I didnt know how I would react to the news. A deep sadness is the best that I can offer at this stage. It has hit me harder than I thought. I feel so very sad for Deborah, for Kelly and for everybody else who have lost amazing people to such a devastating disease. Life can be very cruel and its difficult to remain upbeat at the toughest of times. Both individuals were incredible in their own right, maybe they have met in heaven. RIP Dame Deborah James. Thank you for you.

Deborah James (@bowelbabe) • Instagram photos and videos

Home | Bowelbabe Fund

I am sure that there are many other inspirational warriors. Please post a comment if there is somebody else’s journey that is worth following.

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Conquering your dragon

Ethan brought a painting home from art the other day, and it blew me away. Initially I was like ‘Holy sh*t! Ethan has definitely got Kelly’s genes when it comes to art and drawing’. A couple of days later I looked at it again and I started wondering about the theme and reason for the story in the picture.

The piece is a picture of boy riding a dragon. He has his hands aloft and a smile on his face. The fierce looking dragon is soaring over a landscape with a sunset in the background. “What does this mean?” I thought. Is this a symbolic representation of Ethan’s recent struggles. Does the dragon represent the loss of his mom? Has he conquered the grief and is he riding this tumultuous beast into a beautiful future? I spent quite a bit of time looking at the detail and trying to interpret the meaning. The more I looked at it the more I believed the story I was telling myself.

Kelly would have reminded me about the power of art. She would have told me about the freedom of getting lost in the process and the beauty of submersing oneself in the detail. She would have talked about the reward for the artist and the observer. I would have probably laughed and made some playful comment about getting the same from crafting a great round together on the golf course. I wasn’t always tactful in these interactions…

Back to the Ethan’s painting. After coming to the conclusion that Ethan had liberated himself and conquered his metaphorical dragon, I felt inspired. If Ethan can do this; if he can conquer the darkness and come out smiling, then so can I! I too can ride into the sunset alongside him, soaring high on the back of my own demons! “YES”, I thought. This is progress, this is great.

Later that morning I got the opportunity to ask Ethan about the drawing in more detail. I was eagerly awaiting the interpretation to come forth from his own mouth. “Why did you draw yourself on the back of a dragon?” I asked. He looked at me quizzically, squinting slightly and turning his head to the one side. I could read his mind – “Is this a trick question”? he thought. I could feel the anticipation as he started to respond…The answer wasn’t what I was expecting to hear – “Mrs Jansen told us to draw a boy on the back of a dragon” he said. “That is great” I said, “I think it is brilliant!”. I walked away and reflected on how I had come to a very wrong conclusion.

I guess I am looking for answers and inspiration. I am looking for positive re-enforcement that everything is going to turn out for the best and that I am going to soar into the sunset. Sometimes I might need a reminder that things just are. Its neither this nor that. It just is. The dragons remain and might need a little time to conquer.

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Routine, routine, routine

There is no doubt that I have made some mistakes over the last 6 months. I knew it was going to happen and made a decision some time back to be gentle on myself about it. Unfortunately there is often a repercussion and in this case, the chickens are coming home to roost.

On fathers day, I decided to treat myself to a shave. A fancy shave from a Mediterranean barber. I bounced the idea of the kids and they were up for it. “Get your haircut daddy and get a shave”. Clearly my grooming needed some attention. The shave was a great experience and I am glad I did it. There was just one problem. Having shaved my own face for 28 (?) years, its become accustomed to a specific style and technique. Namely mine. The barber used a completely different technique and my face didnt approve. Two days later I sit with some skin irritation, razor burn and general discomfort. No biggie, but enough to make me realise that I need to revert to the familiar routine and shave myself going forward.

The relevance of this little anecdote is that a similar lesson has been realised in my actions over the last 6 months. Let me explain. Kelly was a great believer in routine. For the kids and I guess with her own life too. There are many examples and I wont bore you with the details. I was on-board with this and saw the benefits. Over the last 6 months I have changed a familiar routine for the kids. Not at a micro-level (daily task/activities) but at a macro-level (i.e. the extent that the kids are involved in my social activities). Before, they were home with Kelly while I was out with friends, now, they have been out with me*.

This change in the kids routine had a similar impact to the trip to the barber. It was enjoyable and seemed like a good idea at the time but it has had an impact on the kids in terms of anxiety and general well-being. I made a mistake. Once again, I hear Kelly’s voice loud and clear – “What did you think was going to happen?”. I can only shake my head and mutter some half hearted explanation under my breath. The reality of the situation today is that it is now up to me to fix it. It is not a train smash but some iteration is needed to get the train back on track. That means a change in the routine that caused the issue and being more mindful of potential long term impact of decisions being made.

The face will take some time to recover and I like to think that I am intervening early enough to help the kids. I dont believe that there is any scarring or lasting damage done. On the face or on the kids. Only time will tell.

*Note that this does not mean that I take them out partying etc. It is a lot more nuanced than that.

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We are doing ok. Or are we?

I get asked the question a lot, and I can understand why? “How are you and the kids doing Mathew?” My standard response is that we are doing well, all things considered. And it is true, we are doing well for a family who lost somebody from its nucleus. We go to school and work, we play sports and attend art classes, we interact with friends and we carry on with life. People comment on how we are keeping it together and how we are “so strong”. The answer and the observation are both mostly true. However there are some intricacies that may not be visible or I would rather leave out of the everyday conversation.

For example, dealing with the grief and our changed circumstance has changed the kids. My son, who is generally care free and confident, is currently dealing with some separation anxieties that were previously not an issue. This changes things for me, an only (living) parent who needs to make changes to help him deal with the fears and emotions. My daughter is forced to stretch herself to find resources to assist her with scenarios that her mom might have picked up. There is no doubt that the loss of their mother will play out in some shape and form over the next couple of years – or possibly lifetime.

Similarly, my life has a different look and feel to it. I realise how much more ‘freedom’ (read ‘free time’) I had when I had a partner to assist with living a life. Yesterday, my life was all about work, playing sports, seeing friends, planning adventures and holidays. Today it seems like it is all about packing school bags, planning after school schedules and children’s play dates. I have had to change my mindset and priorities. For the most part I feel like I have managed to do this fairly well but realise that things need to normalise in the other direction over time and believe they will.

So when I get asked the question, I often hesitate. I have to take a step back and adopt a birds eye view, I have to believe that after all things are considered, we are doing well. Yes, we are dealing with the grief and miss Kelly terribly but we are going to come through this together. There are challenges and roadblocks but we will get through them and press forward as a family. That is what Kelly would have wanted and I plan to deliver. We will be ok.

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You always remember your first post

So this is it, the first post. I sit here on a cold wet Wednesday morning at 5:35am. I am trying to revisit an ‘atomic habit’ of waking early, before the kids school run begins, to start something that has been in the consideration bucket for a long, long time. At this stage, it isnt clear where this blogging journey could take me. I have kept the plan vague so as to not be too prescriptive.

Kelly would have been bemused but supportive. She was used to me starting these things that others may not have. Going back to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in my 40’s, waking at 4am to get some work done, joining the neighbourhood watch. Kelly was what I would define as a ‘straight up’ individual. She had simple pleasures – a love of the quieter, less rushed things in life. Painting, reading a book, taking a drive with the family, going for a run. She didnt need to be pushing herself to accomplish new things. Loving her kids and enjoying the day to day was enough. Since her passing I have come to realise that in many ways, these things can be enough. When everything else is stripped away, what do we really need to be content? Not very much when the truth is told.

When the chips are down and life’s purposes begins to be considered, I am finding that it is these simple things that we often crave. The sounds of somebody’s voice for example. Having not had a conversation with Kelly in 6 months, I find myself yearning some time together to just talk. A simple thing but one of the things I miss most.

So what is the take away here as my first post comes to conclusion? I think it might be that I must push to accomplish my goals and try new things… but also remember to stop and smell the roses. Certainly to cherish the simple things in life, the things about our loved ones that we often take for granted.

Kelly would have laughed if I said that to her now. Luckily I can still remember her voice. It would be saying – “Mathew it is too early for your philosophy. Go and get the kids up and get them ready for school”. Yes Kelly, I am on it.