Walking Forwards

I entered the Cape Town marathon a couple of months back. I thought that I could do with a goal to push myself physically. The marathon is in October and I am a long way off being prepared to run 44km. Kelly’s bestie, who is also running the marathon, has already put in several training runs of 30km x 2 and a 20km. This is on top of the other shorter runs for strength and conditioning. I think that the furthest I had run up until this previous weekend was 10km, once.

Realising that I needed to get some time on the legs, I decided that I was going to try and put in a longer training shift this last Saturday morning. It is worth mentioning that I do the majority of my running on a treadmill these days, which is not my favourite way to train. It is mind numbingly boring and I have to distract myself else time slows to a standstill. Ten kilometers into the run and I was starting to think about pulling out. There were so many excuses that I could use to do so i.e. “with all your responsibility, you don’t have time to train properly”, “nobody expects you to run a marathon so why push yourself”, “the kids would prefer to have you at home on the day anyway”. The list could go on.

Anybody who has exerted themselves would know the self-talk that takes place when you want to give up. Thankfully I have another voice on the other shoulder. It’s the one that says things like “you are not a quitter Mathew”, “if you commit to something then you are going to do it”. Also, I know that the body is stronger than the mind. People are way more capable than they allow themselves to believe. I have always believed that the hardest part of running a marathon is the mental fortitude that is required when the going gets tough. And it always gets tough! Even if you are fitter than most and have the necessary training under the belt.

I thought about a blog post while running because there once again seemed to be a parallel. Life is hard sometimes; we get frustrated and stressed and bored and gatvol. It is just how life is. Like the marathon, you have to stay the course. You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. It’s what gets you to the finish line. Experience tells me that things often change. One minute you are feeling terrible and the next you are suddenly feeling a lot stronger, energised or revived. It happened on the training run and I ended up doing more kilometers than I planned. It made me look forward to the next run where the cycle will likely repeat itself. There is a lesson in that.

To state the obvious, this has been a more difficult year than most. Not only have we had to deal with Kelly’s passing but there have been additional stressful events. Restructures at work with my position being made redundant, heart issues requiring ECGs, MRIs and beta-blockers, a leaking roof and then most recently, my mother-in-law (who is dependent on me now) being diagnosed with her own serious health issue which will require longer term care.

In some ways it has felt that the emotional challenges have been stacked on top of each other. One after another after another after another. This on top of having to deal with the stress of work and everyday life. Retrospectively, I like to think that I have dealt with each one relatively well and have come through the other side largely un-scathed thus far. However, there is no doubt that there is one emotion that has become more prominent in the last couple of months as a result. It is an emotion that I am typically not that familiar with as it previously didnt fit my nature nor my character. The said emotion is anger.

It isnt a rage and it isnt volatile. It isn’t directed at anyone and isn’t specific. However when it comes, it is this underlying, deeply ingrained, all consuming anger that has changed me on occasion. It lasts a couple of days, during which time I am less patient, less controlled, less compromising and more easily triggered. It isn’t easy to admit and it isnt something I will try and excuse. It results in a deviation from the norm and guilt. Guilt for irritability, for being less than perfect and for getting the priorities wrong.

I deal with it by acknowledging and accepting. Recognizing it for what it is and remembering that it will eventually wither away. Thankfully I have a strong inner voice, have some routines to reduce the tension and some mindfulness practices to recalibrate the ego and the emotions. Every little bit helps. The ‘episodes’ have become less frequent and are less intense but I dont think that they are gone for good. There is still a little ways to go just yet.

I hesitated to write this blog post because it isnt a nice thing to admit and it could be perceived as a sign of weakness. I worry that people will say something like – “You see, Mathew should be getting some therapy”. They may be right. But I wanted to admit to the emotion because I wanted to make the point that it is actually OK. It is ‘ok’ to be angry or sad or lost or mad. One is entitled to it. We just cant stay in the space for too long and must do all we can to not let it impact on others. We must come back to the norm and get a little better each day. Thats what I am trying to do. In the end I wrote this blog to help myself and help others. It is difficult to remain angry when ones intention is good. That makes the post worthwhile.

I met with a Doctor a couple of days back and he said something that I have chosen to ignore. I only mention that he was an Doctor as it adds some gravitas to the person who made the statement. He had asked me about Kelly’s passing and how many children we had. First I mentioned that I had a daughter aged 10. Next I mentioned I had a son aged 7. His response, “Ah! He is the one that is going to be messed up by this”. I think I nodded and said something along the lines of “yeah, I need to keep an eye on him”. I didn’t think a debate about hypothetical outcomes would have been appropriate under the circumstances.

The Doctor had a personal story about the loss of his mother to cancer and explained that his own younger brothers hadn’t turned out as well as he had. It was a touching story and he clearly cared for them all. The thing about the statement was the conviction with which it was said. There appeared to be no hesitation or hint of disbelief in his premise. It was true for him and therefore for everybody else. It was one of those scenario’s where somebody says something and then look you in the eye knowingly. In his mind, this wasn’t going to end well for the younger brother.

The thing about the statement is that it could become the classic example of the self fulfilling prophecy. This struck me immediately and I chose to deliberate on it as it I feel that the concept is one that can be flipped on its head. Yes, there is a prophecy that could be fulfilled. It is one where Ethan turns out great. It is one where my positive energy, love and presence ensures that he does just fine. He is ultimately happy and content and satisfied. That is the outcome that I choose to direct my energy into and believe. That is my own prophecy.

If you read the literature about the self fulfilling prophecy, it is clear it is a complex thing. How much is in the power of the believer, and how much is in the power of the receiver? All I know is that should I have chosen to take on the debate, I might have said something like this “It’s interesting you say that but I believe that every scenario is different, every family is different, every person is different. I strongly believe that the kids will turn out alright. Yes, they are going to have some issues and tough times but I am confident that this is going to make them stronger and more resilient.” It’s going to be interesting to see whose prophecy comes true. Doctor dread or myself. I suspect I already know the answer.